Ξ September 23rd, 2008 | → 1 Comments | ∇ 1 |
i hate beginnings. I never know how to start anything, including journal entries. so i wont have one. That takes care of that problem. Ironically, it took me 7 different beginnings to come up with this one. Efficient, i am not.
I’m kind of feeling the urge to let my fingers do the talking tonight. Let the words come out faster than i can understand them as i watch each letter popping into existence on the screen. Letters are no longer just words but are thought, directly amassed into substance by the awkward typing hands of a 2:00am post. they fumble a lot in this light, losing their place on the keys, searching for a sign that they’re home again.i bet a lamp would fix that. Note to self: buy lamp.
im not sure why im writing tonight, actually. i guess its different somehow. in the past, id think of a really interesting topic to go on about, hoping someone out there was reading it, falling in love with the words before the face but never actually got around to writting it. but tonight, i really think that im writing for me. its encouraging to watch the page slowly fill with my text, proving i really did have something to say and express tonight and have this text as my proof. Maybe that’s why the words are flowing smoother. or maybe ive just finally lost my mind. ive come to be unusually comfortable with the idea of either one being the case. thats only slightly unsettling 
I’ve noticed something these past couple weeks than i normally do. Everywhere i go, the world seems to be falling apart around me. i cant seem to find the good in people any more. true story, friday night, im just getting out of a seriously teeth griding eye twitching shift at work. Out the door in 3…. 2…..1……Cigarette lit ipod in and im coasting down North Avenue. half a block later, bam. car slams into another car. people get out, they start screaming. name calling. cursing. its kinda like being back at work actually. again, unsettling. i no sooner cut the corner to head downtown when this clown car of black girls starts opening and closing there door, slurring ebonics that even i couldnt make out. Drunk. stumbling in the street drunk. fight each other nearly getting hit by on coming cars. its no wonder i smoke! As i walked down the street, honest to god, i expected to turn my head and see massive fires sweeping the north side as mass hysteria broke out. looting pilaging, the works. armagedon old school style. as if my day hadnt been reminder enough of just how fucked up people can be (that works on so many levels for me), my normally peaceful walk home now must become some fucked up melodramatic bullshit. i miss having faith in people. and hope for them to become something better than what they are. people i thought of once as an opportunity to learn from and grow with have become shallow, self absorbed, and too fucked up for help.Not sure how one goes about fixing something like that. logically now is the best time for me to find the answer to that though. autumn is starting to make its prescence known here on a pretty regular basis. Every september it happens. i sigh a little longer, walk a little slower, and learn to revel in that brisk pre-sunray morning sky.
Fall has always had a special place in my heart. i lie to people and tell them my favorite season is winter. it just sounds cooler, shut up. thinking about it now, the weather is perfectly cold with only a slight reminder of frost to come. theres energy in the air constantly around me, giving me sources of emotions to draw on. ive come to find that every fall i find myself rosey cheeked and smiling in a photograph taken just before dusk. ive got quite a few here, saved in a hidden folder miles under my desktop. it was always a good sign, those pictures. to me they symbolized 2 things. 1, that as the sun set that day, it was a happy ending. something all too many of us strive for. and 2, that somehow, looking back on the moment the picture was taken, i didnt even feel the cold because i was too caught up in the person i was with. Note to self: bring this up at next therapy session, psycho.
im starting to doubt whether im even going to post this thing or not. i mean, simply typing this out has helped me sort out a lot of my problems. but if i type it, and i can help one person feel a little more okay in this fucked up world, i should just forgo the possibility of embarrassment and post it. ….i guess that means i cant say i dont see the good in anybody. SOME people still exist, if only in my mind, that give me hope. which , i might add, is about as efficient as it is logical. Me, being incredibly mopey and introverted, doesnt seem the perfect opportunity to make a substantial friendship out of anyone.
I think thats why i love halloween. every year i get so caught up in being alone that i dont really have my self confidence. but on halloween, you can fake anything you want, and no one can tell. behind your mask, its so easy to lie. thats why i wore one last year. hiding the look on my face underneath. you’ve got to try it, its a little bit liberating. and a bit sweaty. never wear face paint under one. trust me on this.
well, if i intend to get any of what i have planed for tomorrow accomplished, ive got to head to bed. big goals for such a little day. though we’ll see how many actually come to fruition. maybe the dreams will stop tonight and let me sleep a little bit. high expectations for just a little day… but i have hope.